Finding Beauty and Strength in my Pain

I have been struggling with my physical, mental and emotional health for 20 years. My first "scary" doctors appointment that I remember was when I was 8 years old at Primary Children's Hospital with a GI Doctor. I had a lot of testing done and had no answers... and that's pretty much how it's been since then. I have been to countless doctors appointments with little to no answers. 

I have been passed on by doctors, been dismissed, been ignored and been given general diagnoses. (ibs, thyroid problems, etc) No one actually did the work to get to the root of my problems. Now I want to clarify something... I am extremely grateful for western medicine and all it's done for so many people. But it has failed me. I have done test after test hoping and praying that I would finally find an answer... with nothing. The last time I cut myself was my freshman year of college - from such extreme discouragement and heartbreak from another test that came back as "normal." How I feel and have been feeling for years is NOT normal. 

Last January, I started dropping weight for no reason. I went to my family doctor around March when I was down to 98 lbs and explained what was going on. I was starting to feel dizzy and weak more often, I was always exhausted, I had lost over 10 lbs, and I just didn't feel "good". Ever. He confidently said "it's your thyroid", did blood work and sent me on my way. When my results all came back as normal and he didn't have any other ideas I just gave up and dealt with it. I continued to lose weight and then about 6 months later I decided to take charge of my health and figure this out! 

In deciding to fight for my health I knew that I needed to incorporate therapy in my journey. I have a lot of negative emotions, experiences and major baggage when it comes to my health. I also knew that without working through that I would not truly be able to find health and healing in my life. Our mental and physical health are SO interconnected, so it was just as important for me to go to therapy as it was to go to a traditional doctor. I have had some really good and some really bad experiences with therapists - so please keep searching until you find one your soul resonates with... because you will find them and it will be life changing! It's worth every ounce of time and effort.

My therapist that I saw my second year of college worked a lot with eating disorders, so I knew she'd be perfect for helping me deal with health problems and being underweight. She helped me take my first steps when it came to my fight. She recommended working with a dietitian alongside my other health professionals I was seeing. I happened to mention that to one of my doctors and she had someone in specific that she wanted me to work with. That lead me to Missy Beavers from Willows, CA who has been able to provide me with answers, hope and healing.  

Kole. Where do I even begin? I cannot even begin to fully express how thankful I am for my husband. He has been by my side for all of my doctors appointments. He has helped me do more emotional work than any professional in my life. He has helped me open up and talk about things I have never been willing to say. He has held me while I cried on more occasions that I can count. He has given me more love and compassion during this time than I sometimes feel I deserve. And the best thing? I get to keep him for eternity. <3 

Even in finding answers I have still struggled finding the beauty and strength within it all. It is honestly a daily thing right now. Some days I still feel horribly sick, broken and hopeless. But most days I can remember that I am fighting for myself, my husband and my future children. I am fighting to be able to use my voice to spread hope to others. I am fighting to break the stigma with mental health and chronic illness. I am tired of feeling this way, but I am not done FIGHTING! 

Photography: Paige McKenzi Burton https://www.paigemckenzi.com/