How Can I Love Myself After That?
We're commanded to "love thy neighbor as thyself"... but what if you don't really love yourself? This is a thought that I struggled with for years, and honestly still do struggle with sometimes. I remember all growing up being told that if you don't love yourself you can't truly love others... and it's true. It's like drawing water out of a dry well... you have nothing to give. My journey to loving myself has been an adventure full of twists and turns, and quite a few cliffs I've fallen off as well. Some of these things are a little bit terrifying to share... but I've learned that by allowing myself to be vulnerable I have an impact on those that need hope the most.
I was raised in a wonderful LDS family, the kind that people look at and wish they had. My parents love me more than I will understand and did everything they could to set me up for success. My extended family is the bomb.com and have always been a huge support to me. From the outside looking in, I had a perfect life. I was pretty, had lots of friends, had the best family and had my faith. But what people have never really known is the loneliness and heartache I felt for most of my life.
All through grade school I would have a very best friend one year and then the next they moved on to be with the "popular kids". I know some people think that the high school cliques weren't a thing, but they sure were in my school. I was heartbroken and abandoned year after year. I felt unwanted and that was reinforced over and over again when I had to make new friends every year. I looked at myself and wondered what was wrong with me... why didn't people want to be my friend? Looking back there are things I could have done differently that would have helped my situation, but I was a kid... I didn't know what I was feeling and I didn't know how to change it.
In high school I met a boy and knew that I was in love and he loved me. I felt wanted. When things started escalating with him physically I was terrified... I knew it was wrong and tried to express that, but the relationship became very manipulative and I was too scared to lose him. I thought I was proving my love to him by letting him do what he wanted with me... I thought he was my lifeline, but more than anything he was an anchor pulling me to the bottom of the sea. This relationship led me from one abusive relationship to the next because I was desperately searching for someone to love me because I couldn't love myself.
It's easy to look back on those experiences and say "I wish I would have just stood my ground." "I wish I would have been stronger." But you are strong! Being abused does not make you weak. It does not make you damaged. And it absolutely does not make you worthless. I have battled those thoughts for years and sometimes I forget my worth. These self-destructive thoughts don't go away in a day, or in a week... though I wish they would.
I spent so much of my life telling myself that I was worthless, that I wasn't wanted and that I was broken that those thoughts wouldn't just go away on their own. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of work, and lot of prayer to feel good about myself. My journey to healing started out with me being angry at God and hating him for letting those bad things happen to me... I was hurt and confused and didn't want anything to do with Him. But I learned very quickly that I was only hurting myself more by not turning to Him. When I finally put my pride aside and plead with my God for strength and healing... that is when I finally began to heal.
Healing is not always an easy process, and it doesn't happen quickly... but it is a beautiful journey when you are making it with God. I have learned to lean on my Savior. I have learned that some of the hardest things in life make you into the best person you can be. I have learned to love myself. As I let go of my guilt, my sorrow and my anger, and gave it to God I began my pathway to healing. I have remembered my worth and it has made me stronger in every way. My confidence and worth is no longer based on whether or not a boy likes me. Relationships come and go, but God is constant. He is always there for you and He loves you perfectly. I promise that turning to God is the best way to loving yourself and in turn being able to love those around you.
I was raised in a wonderful LDS family, the kind that people look at and wish they had. My parents love me more than I will understand and did everything they could to set me up for success. My extended family is the bomb.com and have always been a huge support to me. From the outside looking in, I had a perfect life. I was pretty, had lots of friends, had the best family and had my faith. But what people have never really known is the loneliness and heartache I felt for most of my life.
All through grade school I would have a very best friend one year and then the next they moved on to be with the "popular kids". I know some people think that the high school cliques weren't a thing, but they sure were in my school. I was heartbroken and abandoned year after year. I felt unwanted and that was reinforced over and over again when I had to make new friends every year. I looked at myself and wondered what was wrong with me... why didn't people want to be my friend? Looking back there are things I could have done differently that would have helped my situation, but I was a kid... I didn't know what I was feeling and I didn't know how to change it.
In high school I met a boy and knew that I was in love and he loved me. I felt wanted. When things started escalating with him physically I was terrified... I knew it was wrong and tried to express that, but the relationship became very manipulative and I was too scared to lose him. I thought I was proving my love to him by letting him do what he wanted with me... I thought he was my lifeline, but more than anything he was an anchor pulling me to the bottom of the sea. This relationship led me from one abusive relationship to the next because I was desperately searching for someone to love me because I couldn't love myself.
It's easy to look back on those experiences and say "I wish I would have just stood my ground." "I wish I would have been stronger." But you are strong! Being abused does not make you weak. It does not make you damaged. And it absolutely does not make you worthless. I have battled those thoughts for years and sometimes I forget my worth. These self-destructive thoughts don't go away in a day, or in a week... though I wish they would.
I spent so much of my life telling myself that I was worthless, that I wasn't wanted and that I was broken that those thoughts wouldn't just go away on their own. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of work, and lot of prayer to feel good about myself. My journey to healing started out with me being angry at God and hating him for letting those bad things happen to me... I was hurt and confused and didn't want anything to do with Him. But I learned very quickly that I was only hurting myself more by not turning to Him. When I finally put my pride aside and plead with my God for strength and healing... that is when I finally began to heal.
Healing is not always an easy process, and it doesn't happen quickly... but it is a beautiful journey when you are making it with God. I have learned to lean on my Savior. I have learned that some of the hardest things in life make you into the best person you can be. I have learned to love myself. As I let go of my guilt, my sorrow and my anger, and gave it to God I began my pathway to healing. I have remembered my worth and it has made me stronger in every way. My confidence and worth is no longer based on whether or not a boy likes me. Relationships come and go, but God is constant. He is always there for you and He loves you perfectly. I promise that turning to God is the best way to loving yourself and in turn being able to love those around you.
This is interesting to me, because much of my healing started with being very angry with God. I spent much of my life expressing in prayer how I WISHED I felt- if that makes sense. But once my prayers got real, and gritty, and honest, my relationship with God changed for the better. That surprised me, because being angry with God is frowned upon. But the reality was, I WAS angry with Him. I think I see more clearly, now, and that anger is mostly gone. But God isn’t fragile, and I don’t think he needs us to pretend to faith and understanding in prayer. He wants to mold us from where we are.
ReplyDeleteI felt very similarly. Sooo many prayers wishing things would just be different, that feelings would go away. I love what you said about being angry with God, it’s so true!
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