The Journey to Finding Me Again

Lately I have felt very lost. I have forgotten who I am, and that loss is manifesting itself in many ways in my life. I am especially seeing it in my singing, and in my relationships with the people around me. I couldn't figure out what my problem was, but as I've been thinking about this the past few weeks I had an ah-ha moment today. I am trying to put myself into this mold of a person that I used to be. But SO much has changed in the last year, but most especially the last 8 months. I haven't shared many of the details of my near-death experience with many people, but feel the need to now.. maybe for my own therapy. 

On July 26, 2016 I got my tonsils out. The surgery had gone well, and I went home to heal up and have my mama take care of me. The plan was to be back at work in 2 weeks, and I was shootin for it! 5 days after the surgery I had severe bleeding. It was traumatizing and hands down the most disgusting thing I had every experienced. After 15 minutes of gargling ice water and spitting blood into the sink it finally stopped. My mom and I made the hour drive to Logan to see my doctor and he didn't see anything that needed to be cauterized and sent me on my way. I started to improve and a week later was even feeling well enough to go to a concert with my dad. 

Over the course of the next few days I bled about a half a dozen times. On Sunday, August 7th I bled 3 times in the course of a few hours, but wanted some social time so I went down to grandma's house to be with the family. I was feeling okay, but then an ant crawled down my shirt. So, I of course jumped off the couch and ran into the next room to rip my shirt off and get that dumb ant off of me! Needless to say, I started to bleed again. After the bleeding stopped I had my Uncle Kelly and cousin Jordan give me a blessing. I distinctly remember feeling strongly the need to go to the emergency room, which we had been avoiding because it's ridiculously expensive. But I am so thankful we went. When I stepped out of the car to walk into the ER I started to bleed again, and this time it wouldn't stop. I bled for about an hour and a half when the doctor finally came in, sucked a disgustingly huge clot out of my throat and sent me on my way because I had stopped bleeding. And the next day we trekked back up to Logan to see my doctor, and when I got there I bled again! So he cauterized a small spot, and we were all hoping that was the end of it. 

Tuesday was my birthday, which wasn't that big of a deal. But my sweet brother Cody was receiving his endowments that day and I wanted to be there with every part of my soul. Thanks to the prayers of many friends and family members I felt well enough to go. I was very weak and couldn't walk on my own, but I knew I could make it. I stole my 92 year old grandma's wheelchair and she got to make it through on her own two feet. ;) The temple energized my soul, along with the love and support I received from my family. I was so proud of the wonderful decision Cody had made to serve a mission and the man he had become. It was a beautifully perfect day. 

The next morning I woke up and was bleeding again. Surprise, surprise. At this point it was really getting ridiculous, and I was sick of it. But I was hoping and praying with my whole heart that it would be the end of it. I bled a couple more times throughout the day, but kept avoiding the thought of something being wrong. Thursday morning at about 2:00 am I woke up to the worst bleeding I had experienced. I was honestly scared for my life, and as I was spitting blood in the sink with my mom at my side I had one of the strongest promptings I have ever had. I knew that I needed to get to the emergency room, and I knew that we needed to leave now. My mom and I had toyed with the idea of going up to Logan, cuz that's where my surgeon was, but I knew that I needed to go to the Ogden ER. In the car I could feel a blood clot in my throat starting to cut off my airway... when I told my mom that she definitely picked her speed up quite a bit. 

We got the ER, and they quickly got me into a hospital bed and started checking me in. I had been there no more than 10 minutes when all the nurses had left the room for some reason or another. I started to black out and knew I needed help. I made eye contact with my mom and told her I was going to pass out. She ran out of the room to grab the nurse and when they turned back I was having a seizure in the hospital bed. 4 or 5 people ran into my hospital room and my poor mom was at my bedside watching her little girl die. I had a large blood clot in my throat and couldn't breathe, but because I was having a seizure my jaw was locked and they couldn't do anything about it. I was only seizing for 10-15 seconds when I passed out and they were able to get the clot out of my throat. 

Everything that happened next was a blur to me. They laid my bed back and elevated my feet, I had 2 IVs in me with fluids, I was having blood drawn. It was a madhouse. When I was conscious and no longer on the brink of death, I looked at my mom and nurse and said, "sorry for the scare." :) They both laughed and it took the seriousness out of the situation for a moment. But I distinctly remember the nurses asking "where's the blood?" Turns out... I basically bled out. A healthy person's hemoglobin is at 14, they do emergency transfusions at a 7, and I was at a 4.9. My body was shutting down, and my heart or lungs could have and probably should have stopped working. As soon as they got the blood, I had 2 units pumping into me at once. 

After a ct. scan to see if I had a nicked artery, which I thankfully didn't, I went back in for surgery. While I was under they pumped my stomach, which was filled with 2 units of blood. Gross, I know. And they gave me one more unit of blood while they re-cauterized my entire throat. I was checked into the hospital and my amazing surgeon at Ogden Regional was determined to get my bleeding to stop and get me on the road to recovery. He game by the night after the surgery because I was bleeding again and cauterized for an hour and a half at my bedside, and for another half hour the next morning. 

While I was in the hospital I was overwhelmed with the love I received. My mom didn't leave my side, and it was a beautiful bonding moment for us. I had friends and family send cards, flowers and stop by for visits. Almost dying has an interesting way of changing ones perspective. My mom and I were amazed at the many miracles and tender mercies we bumped into throughout the journey. If I had not been so strongly prompted to go to the ER the second time, and had I not followed that so quickly I would have died. My mom would have been driving me to the hospital, and I would have had that seizure in the car. The whole experience made me rely on my own personal revelation and brought me even closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven. A huge tender mercy for my mom especially was that I was in the hospital closest to home. Family was able to come see me, my dad could be with me while my mom went home and showered, and I was able to follow up with a doctor close to home. 

When I started feeling better I had a passion and drive for life I hadn't felt in a long time. If tonsils didn't kill me, then there must be something dang good in store for me here! I was terrified to start school 2 weeks after being released from the hospital, but I had faith that it would all work out. Another miracle, it did! I was able to jump back into school and work and be successful. I was excited about being a music major and was excited about life! 

This semester has been a totally different ball game for me. I had crippling anxiety before it even started, and it took me over a month to come to terms that I needed help. I started praying more and more fervently and was heavily relying on my parents for advice. I decided to change my major and immediately felt a sense of peace. I'm in the process of changing to Family and Community Services and could not be more excited! But I was still just feeling off. 

Realizing that I don't need to be forcing myself into a perfect mold has brought real comfort to me. I have changed, and I can learn to love myself for this imperfect being I am. By relying on my Savior I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will find myself again. I am looking forward to the journey of finding myself and loving me with my whole soul.