"Not now." What do you mean not now?!

Growing up my parent's set me up to be a successful missionary, and I've pretty much been planning on one my entire life. So, I'm 19 years old.. I've tried submitting my papers twice and I've been asked to wait. Twice. The first time 6 months, the next 4 months. Four months isn't that long to wait, right? Well, it is when you are trying to reevaluate your life and make a plan that hopefully will actually work out for once. 

It seems like every plan I've made up to this point in my adult life has blown up in my face, so I have definitely been hesitant to try again. But it's been different this time. I've read my patriarchal blessing over and over and over again, I've studied the scriptures and talked to my bishop, but most of all I've prayed and prayed and actually listened. I was willing to take a "no" or a "not now" as an answer, even though it terrified me. And that's exactly what I got. "Not now." What do you mean not now?! That would have been nice to know like a year ago! I have been so excited and nervous for the day when I could finally leave on a mission, and now look where I am.. still at home. 

My best friends are married, on a mission, or going on a mission! Where did I screw things up?! I've struggled so much the past few months with this, especially as the girls younger than me are leaving on missions. But I really do know without a doubt that a mission is not where I am supposed to be right now. And that is extremely hard for me to accept.. So, it looks like I'm going back to school! 

Utah State.. I swore on my life I would never ever go to Utah State! Everyone from Morgan goes there, and I graduated high school for a reason. But for some reason the Lord wants me there. So, that's the plan now! I plan on doing the two things that I love most, helping people and music! So.. music therapy it is! :) I am so ecstatic about doing that for the rest of my life!! 

My life is so far from where I thought I would be right now, but I wouldn't take back any of it for a second. Because of the ridiculous roller coaster the past two years have been I am the woman I am today. I've made plans and God has changed them over and over and over again, but it's teaching me to listen to Him and let him be a part of my planning. I know that a mission is an incredible life changing experience, but as a women we are instructed to rely on person revelation, and that is very different for each and every one of us. It's been a struggle figuring out what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I do know that I've made the right decision with going to school. I am so grateful for my Father in Heaven, His Son Jesus Christ and the comfort and guidance I receive from the Holy Ghost. I am grateful to have them be involved in my life and my planning. I am so grateful for the love and support I feel from them, and I am especially grateful for the courage I have received. Life's an adventure, so you may as well enjoy the ride!