Forward, Backward, and Forward Again!

Freshman year of college is hard for everyone right? Yea, well no one told me it would be the train wreck that it was! November 2013, about halfway through my first semester, I was hit with a wave of depression unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. It ran me over, backed up and hit me again. I didn't go to class for a week, I rarely left my room, I stopped eating.. I was empty. The only thing that was keeping me from suicide was the fact that I didn't want to face God knowing that I had destroyed the temple that He created for me. I was so mad and hurt that he would give a trial like that to me, something that I knew I was going to deal with for the rest of my life. I asked Him multiple times daily to just take me out of this world, to let me just cease to exist. Anything to make my depression go away. I didn't care if it was a fatal disease, a car crash, literally anything to end it. 

December 2013 I was prescribed my first round of anti-depressants, Citalopram (Celexa). Boy oh boy did it mess with me. After about 3 weeks I started having night terrors, and believe me.. they're awful. I dreaded going to sleep because I knew what awaited me, I hated waking up because I had to put a smile on for the rest of the world. My depression kept getting worse and worse and eventually I fell back into old habits.. Cutting. 

Let me tell you a little something about self-harm, it is just as addictive as any drug out there. As soon as things start getting bad again, that is the first thing your mind goes to. Some people cut themselves like I did, other burn themselves or turn to anorexia and bulimia, and so many others, but unless you have actually experienced it, it is nearly impossible to wrap your mind around. Some people say that it's a cry for attention, and sometimes it is, but for the most part I believe that it is an escape. You will do anything to distract from the pain that is your constant companion, that demon inside of you that won't leave you alone. You start out small, but then you get use to the pain and it's not enough. It's a terrifying thing to be addicted to. 

Night terrors and cutting aren't exactly the healthiest side effects of anti-depressants, so then we tried Venlafaxine (Effexor). That was a real lovely adventure too.. I've had stomach problems that have been unanswered for my entire life, and this medication made everything worse. After a month and a half on this drug I decided I was sick of it. They only made things worse, and I was sick of the trial and error of finding one that actually worked for me. So I stopped. My depression didn't go away, but I was still alive.. barely. 

After a colonoscopy, x-rays and a hidascan that showed I was completely "normal and healthy" I lost it. I had gone almost 2 months without cutting and I swore I wouldn't ever do it again. But in that moment of desperation and hopelessness that was the only thing that I wanted. I had to get relief. That is the kind of warped thinking that comes along with depression.

April 9th I thought that I was better, I was totally ready to serve a mission.. NOT!! I am so grateful that my bishop was in tune enough with the Spirit to tell me to go see a therapist at LDS Family Services before he submitted my papers. I received a call April 11th in the morning. It was my therapist saying he talked to the mission department and that I needed to wait 6 months. What?!? I was so furious with God.. A mission is a great thing and the only thing I was positive I wanted to do with my life. So why would He take that away from me? His plan was obviously a lot more thought out than mine.. I had a lot more lessons I needed to learn. 

After I was told to wait I decided that I was sick of waiting and thought it was a good idea to spit in God's face and make him watch me throw my life away. He took what I wanted from me, so I did the same to him. It was the end of April when I decided that I was going to move to California, leave the church, and pick up a few unhealthy habits. I was sick of being the perfect goody good mormon girl that I thought my friends and family expected me to be. I hadn't read my scriptures or prayed for anything but death in months, I hated going to church, I didn't ever feel the spirit, I was lost.. and I had no desire to be found.

May 24th I left on a trip back east for a church history tour, which I did not want to go on at all. But my parents had already paid for it, and I wanted to see New York, so I went. I did a couple slightly rebellious things I usually wouldn't have, those of you that went with me know! ;) It took the first week for me to open up my heart again and be willing to let the Spirit into my life, but I am so glad that I did. (I have the sister missionaries in Kirtland, Ohio to thank for that.) I had some of the most incredible, sacred, spiritual experiences on this trip that I will never forget, but when I got home I went back to my same old habits and the same thinking as before.

June 22nd I went on a Utah Temple Trip with my incredible friends Jenna Barry, Jessica Heywood, and Saren Johnson (now Romero.. weird!!). We'd had this trip planned for months and I was driving, so how could I back out??  Going to 3 different temples each day and being with such wonderful people has a way of changing your life.. Wild, huh?! ;) It was after that trip that I decided to see my bishop and ask about getting my living ordinance recommend to receive my endowments, which is an incredible experience of it's own. I met with my bishop and before I said anything about wanting to go through the temple he mentioned it! How did he know that's exactly what I needed?! That was a testimony to me that God really does care about me, and that he DOES communicate with his children today.  
July 26, 2014 I went to the Bountiful Temple with my family and I made sacred covenants that forever changed my life. Since that day I have matured so much, and have grown more than I could ever have known. The temple is such a sacred place, and I am so grateful for the comfort that I receive there. President Boyd K. Packer said, "Sometimes our minds are so beset with problems, and there are so many things clamoring for attention at once that we just cannot think clearly and see clearly. At the temple the dust of distraction seems to settle out, the fog and the haze seem to lift, and we can 'see' things that we were not able to see before and find a way through our troubles that we have not previously known." I have had questions answered, comfort given and had peace in a world full of turmoil and confusion.

I am so grateful that God's plan is totally different than mine. I now know that I needed that time to learn, grow, and heal. It's been 6 months and I still struggle with depression daily, but I've realized that it is not a cross that the Lord is just going to take away from me. I don't yet know why depression has been and will be my burden to bear, but I do know that God has a plan, and his plan is what's best for me in the eternal perspective. I'm grateful for the trials that God has given me, I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for the strength that I have received through regular temple attendance, scripture study and daily prayer. I testify that no matter how hard things may be, that He is there for you, and HOPE IS NEVER LOST!